I call this current time my ‘Big Break’…it’s not particularly big, in the grand scheme of things, but almost 2 months away in the same place can feel quite big to one’s psyche, until you learn to break it down into individual precious moments.
Let me not forget that when I return I will be unemployed initially, of my own doing, and my own free will.
Many of you may balk at the thought of someone choosing unemployment at such a ‘delicate’ time in the financial scheme of things. How terribly irresponsible and selfish of me! How many would love to have work and desperately need a job right now, any job! I agree, many are in situations where they would and should and could take any job, and in that case I am very happy to have released a position for said people or person.
What a dreamer I am! How will I live? What will I do? Will I scrounge off of everyone?!! Yes I am a dreamer and thank goodness I haven’t lost the ability to dream like so many disillusioned people. As for the 3 questions- I don’t know, and I don’t have to know everything. Thank you kindly and compassionately to those who thought all of those things, thank you for your belief in me and my capabilities, and for your positive and constructive support. Yes that was dry sarcasm.
Sarcasm and jokes aside, I know full well those thoughts are the fears and anxieties of others, and I know full well that when I have had those thoughts, I am thinking through the filters of the thoughts that everyone around me has thought over my lifetime. I still catch myself wondering what my near future will bring, and if anxiety arises with those thoughts, I remember to trust and believe in myself and in the process of my life. My true, inner beliefs do not reflect those worries. Within me, I resonate with the idea that our thoughts and the emotions that arise from those thoughts are what create our realities, and I am a willing and enthusiastic student of those ideas, I am still learning to manifest. I know there are those that have less and more than me, and I know that my decisions and choices are right for me, right now. Imagine if we all lived our lives according to what others could have, or what others want from us or for us! Imagine if we lived in the constant comparison of our lives with others’ lives, never really seeing and appreciating what we ourselves have, inside and out! Well we actually don’t need to imagine that, because we have the live demo around us. That is already what most of us do on an incessant basis, and that is why we are all suffering.
I can say with 100% certainty, that it motivates me to do what people think I should not; it brings me pleasure to go against the grain. Do not mistake me, I don’t do it to be a contra, or to irritate and rile others; I only go against things when I truly believe in the opposite, or if I think everyone is under the mesmerising, mind-numbing music of the pied piper. His name is Society, a.k.a-government, a.k.a- mass following, a.k.a –robot leader.
Going against the rotting, dying grain, is something I can only do when it is purely necessary for my long-term wellbeing, or to demonstrate something, and I don’t have to do it in such drastic measures, but I can only do what I feel is best for my personal spiritual and emotional growth, and if that be a drastic action, then so be it.
It can be a lonely and painful business. It is the business of alienation, initially, and that comes with the territory. It is also the business of challenging the self and detoxifying the mind, body and spirit from false beliefs and thoughts that no longer serve it. There are those that do not have the conditions I have to do this in, there are those who have ended up homeless and sleeping under bridges to find their highest self. There is no better or worse, as we all manifest what we need to experience.
The biggest challenge of releasing myself, is to learn to function with the tide swimming against me, and to learn to still feel compassion towards it, for if I alienate myself too much or allow myself to become angry and frustrated at those that are still functioning according to false beliefs, I will have defeated my purpose.
The act of leaving both a job that no longer inspired me, and of pausing work that I was building, due to feeling demotivated about it, and therefore becoming unable motivate others; was a necessary and vital act. I know this purely through meditation. Not through some enlightening realisation, but by observing my breathing- my lack of breathing. I suppose that is an enlightening realisation in itself.
I discovered while beginning a ritual of daily and nightly meditation, that I have trouble breathing while sitting upright, whether it be cross-legged on the ground or in an upright chair with feet flat on the ground. I was unable, and still am for the most part on day 4 of meditation, to breathe fully into my abdomen. My chest becomes constricted and begs for the old shallow breathing it was used to, my head becomes light and faint and everything creaks and cracks, my abdomen does not expand fully because those muscles are unused and are fighting with my chest. Even sitting here writing in an upright position my breathing is unbalanced, my body wants to lean back, slouch and fall forwards to lean my elbows onto the desk in the old comfortable way. Back into the known comfort zone. It is through this internal, physical battle that I know I am right where I am supposed to be; taking time out to be the inner mediator between old and new, the balance-bringer, the catalyst for positive change and the creator of a subtle swimming against heavy tides. I will continue to sit upright and to feel the discomfort until the moment my self releases and lets the new life energy in.
People’s reactions are also a good indicator that I am on the right track. When your energy is dead, people tend to be indifferent to you more often than not, however when you take an action or a decision that shifts energy and re-awakens you, people around you will react both in negative and positive ways, on both ends of the spectrum. It can be uncomfortable, but you know you are truly living.
I commenced my Big Break with notions and ideas, mind-plans of the order I would do things in, of the creativity I would manifest daily. Well there is another important lesson, the majority of those ideas are void, because the seed of idea and creation comes from an unknown energy source that I can but be a vessel for, when the time is ripe. ‘Right’ and ‘wrong’ have no place here. I find words such as ripe, true and real have a stronger resonance.
I visualised lots of floaty, blissful moments, and though I have had many joyful, awakening realisations and experiences in the space of 4 days, I have not been able to create a peaceful meditation without initial discomfort or setting the scene. I have been hard pressed to enjoy swimming in a clean pool without having to spend hours hoovering up the dust on the pool floor and fishing out the leaves and insects. I have spent 45 minutes creating a meal, to spend 10 minutes eating it. I have had to clean the pulp and seeds from the juicer every time I use it to enjoy the fresh nutritious juice, and I have only felt the aliveness of my limbs through the exertion of physical exercise.
I have realised that even a peaceful monk must tend to his Zen garden!
The ‘work’ involved in things needn’t be hard or a chore, but an essential aspect of the enjoyment of our pursuits, just like death is an essential aspect of life and vice versa. It is this knowledge that makes it important to find work that inspires us, absorbs or motivates us, so that it is a vital part of the ritual that allows for pleasurable moments, and so that we die of truly natural causes, not from the slow, uncomfortable and premature disease-ridden deaths we cause ourselves through lack of living from our cores.
Onwards, upwards, downwards, left and right and into the unknown I throw myself.