I cannot lie, there are times I have to go within and not help a soul because I am externally tired, and I would damage others in need further.
There are times when both mine and people’s struggles are exhausting, and the world…well there are struggles in the world that are just unfathomable. Sometimes the frustration rises to the degree that I find it hard to contain.
We’ve all felt these things. Disdain, bitterness, disillusion, irritation, anger, helplessness, bewilderment, sadness…the list goes on.
It’s just that sometimes I am really and truly gobsmacked at my own species, and I just want to bash my head against a wall. I know I’m not alone. We are so brilliant with so much potential, and we have created so many interesting and ingenious things and yet, we have moments of such…(words have literally failed me at this point)…that I have felt disgusted to be one of us. Therein lies the problem does it not?
Self-disgust; guilty as charged.
This perpetual backwards rat race where we scramble around after our own tails, ravaging the remains of any bones we can get our hands on and then feeling disgusted at ourselves, licking our wounds or just walking away with our tail between our legs. It seems never-ending. We struggle, we strive, we so badly want to be someone and do something and to emulate the media images that we now are beginning to understand are brainwashing us into believing those are our ideals, and yet we stay stuck; often wanting to be so for reasons of fear and comfort, but not wanting to admit to it.
We try and try and try, we complain that we don’t have this and we can’t do that and we’ve TRIED…but have we really? Have we tried new methods, for long enough? Have we really tested all the theories? Have we looked at all angles? and yes even those angles you don’t quite believe in or want to be seen doing or are afraid of. What do we have to lose if it means we can finally get out of our misery or pave the way for others? The question is, do we really want to get out of our misery, or do we just know it so well that we want to stay in its suffocating arms? Better the devil you know right? How’s that for a twisted species? Keep on keeping on doing the same things, saying the same things, and expecting different results. Duh.
I picked up a magazine and saw the same old Christmas articles rehashed, year after year they print the same advice for the desired month, the same diets, the same beauty products but better and bigger to make you even more beautiful; oh you’ll be just so happy if you buy this! I find everything targeting the exterior and everything about consumerism so tiresome lately. I see the emptiness, greed, desperation and lack of passion screaming through adverts and people’s eyes, don’t even get me started on the running hordes of screaming shoppers infiltrating sales on the high street like that half price item will save their souls. I just want to shout ‘ENOUGH! You’ve had enough, I’ve had enough, everyone’s obviously had enough so what are we STILL doing?!’
I don’t like to be bitter, it’s a toxic emotion that will sit in my body and make me ill and attract more of the same. So I write, to remind myself of the values that we keep forgetting and that we insist on ignoring in favour of our miseries and our denials and our petty, cowardly fears.
I write to remind myself and others, and to speak up about the fact that LOVE, COMPASSION, EMPATHY, FAMILY, FRIENDS, NATURE, UNDERSTANDING, FUN, LAUGHTER, BALANCE, HEALTH, CREATIVITY, PASSION …fill in the blanks with more of all those beautiful, soul nurturing things, are the roots of where we’ll find ourselves, our contentedness and our connectedness. It’s not news to us as a species; this intelligent species of ours that still chooses to think women are less, that fad diets work, and that money makes the world go round. We know that women are one side of the balance; the mothers of the world. We know that fad diets are giving power to our unhappiness at not reaching societies body ideals and that we’ll get even bigger when we stop them. We know money is a manifestation of our self-worth, our view of abundance and how big or little we think of ourselves in the ‘exchange’; take away money and I bet we’d survive after an initial chaos. The material world is a temporary and fun playground that manifests from all our creative and passionate efforts, and we’ve seen the destruction that abounds when you don’t share your toys and you make it the be all and end all of everything.
Pick your issue, the truth and the answers to every issue is already known by us, because we created them. The answers are not the intellectual, rigid, practical, exterior rules that the government or the law or any powers that be will issue for us all; how has that been working for us so far?
The truth and the answers are all right in front of us ALL THE TIME! If only we would slow down and open our senses and selves fully without fear.
We know that what we focus on is what we see and get more of, we know how to be healthy, we know that letting go and relaxing is highly beneficial, we know we are stuck in a brainwashed state and that we often do things backwards, blankly, unfairly and cruelly, and we’re not happy about it, but we do it anyway in fear of the wrath of ourselves, authority, peers and society if we stray.
So when I begin to feel this tiredness and disillusion, when every other social media post, narrow-minded opinion, advert or article makes my eyes roll, my mind shut down and my heart cry, I know it’s time to express, remember and go within until I can find my empathy and get back to being a slow but sure catalyst for change.
Now if you’ll excuse me my soul is calling me, are you coming along for the scary ride?