I only know in hindsight that panic attacks are an awakening.
How convenient might it have been for me to know this in the midst of the raw, acute feelings I was experiencing way back when?
Would it have helped to know? Maybe. I can’t be sure if it would have perhaps taken the edge off or helped me to let go a little; speed up the process. Would I have learned as deeply and could I have been of any use to anyone in the long run if I had fast-tracked or bypassed everything I’ve been through?
One thing I know for sure is that if I hadn’t suffered or gone through everything I went through for so many years, I would still be asleep right now. Unaware of feelings, meanings, thoughts and emotions, and how they are all interlinked. I’d be blind to why we act how we act, and to how we are not our bodies or minds. I would not have sought out teachings in hypnotherapy, psychotherapy, reiki, meditations, yoga, motivation workshops and books on all manner of ‘mind, body and soul’ topics. I would not have discovered my true perspectives and beliefs around energy and the universe. I would still be pointing the finger at everything and everyone else for all of my problems, and reacting venomously and ignorantly to anything that triggered something in me without the ability to step back, look in the mirror, and speak to my heart and soul.
I may have carried on feeling an internal turmoil and unknown discomfort that I wouldn’t have been able to put my finger on and would not have had the tools to explore.
Throughout awakening there is still some turmoil, but you recognise it, and in this case it’s much better the devil you know.
With panic attacks, you are ripped wide open. Your mind, body and soul is in a battle, in a discomfort so intense, so vast, that something has to give. At the time you don’t know what is happening, you may initially just feel ‘off’ or depressed or anxious, perhaps even angry and upset, and you don’t know why, but something in your life doesn’t sit right.
It’s because you are not being you, and you have feelings accumulating about something, or many things, that you just don’t know how to look at or release. Sometimes you don’t even feel much at all and don’t see them coming, because maybe something in your past has been festering in the dark within you, untouched. However it happens, something just has to give.
Your mind is fighting with your heart and your heart is begging it to stop and your soul is screaming ‘Here! It’s time! Time to awaken.’
So it happens; the internal earthquake. You are ripped wide and torn into all the little pieces of you that exist, and in the bouts of attacks you feel everything more sharply than you ever have before. Not only do you feel it sharply, you feel it exaggeratedly; fears that aren’t even real are expanded on. Your subconscious tries to protect you from these unknown sides of you, these dangers that aren’t even real, by increasing the discomfort and causing you to want to hide away from the ‘big bad world’. All the while your soul is crying out ‘FEEL! Feel who I am. Feel what you are! Stop hiding, wake up!’
Nothing makes sense and everything is upside-down and inside-out. All you can ask at this point is ‘Why me?’ and all you can say is ‘Snap out of it or make it stop!’ In the middle of it all there are choices that you can’t see yet. The choice to begin your awakening no matter how long it takes or how uncomfortable it is or the choice to be traumatised by it and to bury it even deeper.
I don’t know how or why, but for me the choice was to seek whatever help I could, to find out what I could, and to experience it all however it came.
It has been a process of putting all of the pieces of me together in the right place, not in the places I think I’m supposed to go according to society or where others say I should, because that is why an awakening was needed in the first place.
I am by no means completely finished with awakening, sometimes I still feel a little ‘off’ and occasionally I think I may panic, but years down the line without a full-blown panic attack and having discovered so much, I have come to a realisation that dawned upon me only recently; the knowledge that all of it has been an awakening.
All of it has been so I can reunite myself with the truth of my presence here. In all the turbulence that I thought was the end of the world, I was in fact being pulled away from becoming just another ignorant robot following the sleep-walking masses, and instead guided on a bumpy ride towards seeing who I really am and the magnificence of what I come from.
What I come from and what I am made up of is so magnificent and expansive that once an awakening takes place and the choice to learn begins, it has to be shared. The lessons have to be shared and the only way forward then is to serve, to aid, to assist with anyone that is on their own transformative journey however I best can, because one of the biggest discoveries is that we all come from the same place and there is no way but to reconnect with each other.
So if there is one thing I can offer anyone who has ever had panic attacks or is having them now, it is the reassurance that it may be your soul calling you to awaken, and that even though it feels out of your control at its peak, you do actually have a choice in how it develops. I don’t know if having this knowledge helps as I never had it myself, not like this, and as I recall nothing anyone said to me in the middle of it ever really made sense at the time, but maybe when you come to your realisations you will remember these words and smile a knowing smile
If I can make someone smile at any point in time, it has all been worth it